An Open Letter to the Dallas Cowboys
I have a moral quandary. You see, I’m not a fair weather fan. I’m not a
bandwagon jumper. I’m a Dallas Cowboys fan. The Dallas Cowboys are my team,
through thick and thin. That means I watch during good and bad times. And
it’s because I’m there for the bad times that I can take ownership of the good
times. This, however, is bullshit. And yes, I know that I’m not a player, so maybe saying that I can take
‘ownership’ of the good times may raise some eyebrows of people who actually
put on pads, but you’re just going to have to put up with that if you play
football in Dallas. I was there before Jerry Jones, which means I was there
before everyone playing now, and I’ll be here long after they are all gone. I’m a Dallas Cowboys fan. I’m knowledgeable of the game. I know history; I
don’t quote stats or anything, but as a 30-something dude I know who Danny
White is. I enjoy watching offensive line play as much as I like watching the
pretty boys run routes and catch passes. So if you are going to play for the
Cowboys or run the Cowboys, then you’re just gonna have to put up with people
like me. I’m the reason there are no TV blackouts, I’m the reason why every
game gets sold out even though there are 1.4 million seats in the stadium, and
I’m the 12th man on America’s Team. All of the above has compelled me to act. I will take some fault. I got
caught up in the Super Bowl talk. I believed it, it was written in stone, and
I was saving up for tickets. So for the last 9 weeks I’ve been perplexed. Just what the hell is going on? And I gave it some serious thought, and I
have it. It’s not just one thing. A tragedy like our team can’t just be
narrowed down to one thing. So here it is, with the worst saved for last. We’re just not mean. We’re too nice. There’s not a mean bone in our body. The meanest looking dude on our team is Leonard Davis, and as I sit here
watching Green Bay massacre us, he just looks like a big cuddly heffulump
sitting on the bench. I love Miles Austin and I’m a Tony Romo fan. But I
just watch them bounce around the field, all smiles, having the time of their
lives. And they SHOULD be having fun, but they’re about as intense as a
pulsating showerhead. There’s no business in ‘em. I understand that there
are wars going on and there are more important things than football. But this
is the damn Nation of Texas, where football is a religion and winning is our
damn birthright. And we’re talking about The Dallas Cowboys, who are supposed
to be the second mightiest force on Earth behind the Armed Forces of the
United States. OF COURSE I KNOW THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS THAN
FOOTBALL. But there ain’t many, and I’m having trouble thinking of them right
now. Let me tell you what I miss. I miss the hell out of Troy Aikman. Tony, I
like watching you play, and I’ve enjoyed watching you progress as a
quarterback. But if you didn’t do your job, then you had a long walk back to
the huddle where General Aikman would stomp a mud hole in your ass. I loved
the mechanic efficiency with which he moved the offense down the field. I
think he could’ve have smiled once or twice more, but that dude was a
businessman on Sunday afternoon. And business was good. People have compared
you to Brett Favre, and because of that, you have a great career ahead of you.
Well… DON’T BE LIKE BRETT FAVRE. That guy has played for 100 years and
only has one Super Bowl ring. He’s been intercepted out of two, perhaps
three, other rings because he gunslings it around. DON’T DO THAT. I’ll take
Aikman’s 250 yards, 1-2 touchdowns a game, and 3 Super Bowl rings any day of
the week and twice on Sundays. Do that. Let me tell you what else I miss. I miss the O and D lines of the 90’s. You want to talk about business? What about Erik Williams, 6’8” 333 lbs, whom
The League had to make a specific rule for because there are defensive linemen
out there still looking for their heads. I used to not watch Aikman, Irvin,
and Smith so I can watch Big E come out of his stance and promptly head butt
the bejeezus out of the D-end, and then maul him like a yard dog on a bone. Right next to him was Kevin Gogan, 6’6” 328 lbs I believe, who was a Sport’s
Illustrated cover boy for being voted the dirtiest player in the NFL. Now, I
don’t really approve, but I’d kill a man to see a little crotch kickin’ on
today’s O-line. And I loved watching Step, Newt, and Tui, rest his soul. And
that was all before big Larry Allen fetched a linebacker who thought he had a
pick 6 from behind and entered every Cowboy fans’ consciousness. What do we
have now? To be honest, I have no idea. Our offensive line is our second to
biggest problem. They’ve been put together for one thing and one thing only:
to pass block for Romo. Not run block. We have three quality running backs,
and they average 3.6 inches a game (yeah, I said inches). I have Felix Jones
as the second back on my fantasy league, and the truth is I don’t remember the
last time he scored a TD. Are you kidding me??? It’s hard to be explosive
when the blitz is coming through so fast the vortex is blowing out your wick. This isn’t an offensive line that comes off the ball. This isn’t a line that
you can rely on to wear down the in the second half (when’s the last time you
heard that phrase? I’ll tell you when- back in the 90’s when Big Nate had
to go on a crash diet every year). This isn’t an offensive line that people
worry about or are afraid of; this is an offensive line that looks like the
Dallas North Tollway, and every lineman in the NFL has a tolltag. D-line? Again, I love watching Demarcus Ware play. I like seeing him roll
around the end, leaning in past the tackle, and reminding the quarterback that
he’s there, every play. Maybe I’m just superficial, but Ware looks more like
a sports car than Mack truck. He takes his helmet off to reveal a perfectly
shaven, glistening noggin. He’s pretty. He’s a wide receiver playing outside
linebacker. What’s more, I forgot who the other linemen are. We used to have
a dude named Jay Ratliff, who last year was apparently the second coming. I
still see Spencer around, and some Russian guy, but you know who I don’t see? No alpha-male silver back gorilla named Charles Haley who needed to be on
medication, and no Alonzo Spellman, who was on medication. No Leon Lett; all
natural physical ability and not much else, but you had to love the guy
because he seemed so innocent as he made every mistake going 100 mph. No Tony
Tolbert, no Casillas, no fire hydrants named Russell Maryland. I like Brooking, but all I know is that Kenny Norton Jr. played a Super Bowl
with a half of his bicep detached from whatever that arm bone is called, and
played with a facemask that looked like a cage (I miss those facemasks, too). I still believe that the standard for what a linebacker looks like is Ken
Norton Jr. I know, there are lots more famous linebackers out there, but when
I was in high school, I wanted Norton’s facemask, I wanted his toughness, and
I wanted a big freakin’ chin like his. He just looked like a football player.
And then there’s George Teague. When that asshole Terrell Owens stood on the
midfield star Teague did a 50 yard sprint and de-cleated him. 2 weeks ago, I
watched Chris Johnson of the Titans score and stand on an end zone star. It
wasn’t as dramatic as the midfield star, but I saw it, and the closest thing
that Johnson got to someone getting in his face was me going nose to screen on
my 46 inch. I was just shocked. Way back when Teague sent TO horizontal, I
made a promise to myself that if I ever saw him and had the chance I’d buy him
a beer. I haven’t forgotten that. My next point is the decision making process of the team, illustrated in a
case study. For years I’ve hated Flozell Adams. It got to the point that I’d
catch him before the ref did. I spent some of the best years of my life
watching that tool shed hold and false start out of first downs, touchdowns,
and whatever else he could jack up. This year, he left, and I threw a small
party. Alex Barron came in, and as I watched the first game I heard an
interesting stat: Flozell Adams was the second most penalized lineman
(player?) in the league behind… wait for it… Alex Barron!!!!! And then I
watched Romo throw the game winning pass against Washington, and watched the
refs take it back because Alex Barron decided that hugging the end, then
getting him in a choke hold, then tackling him to the ground was a more sound
technique than keeping your elbows in and punching like they teach you from
Pee-wee ball all the way up to, well, the NFL. Who the hell thought it was an
upgrade to go from Flozell Adams to Alex Barron? How was this a good idea? I
hope whoever made that decision steps in a bear trap. How do we have three
running backs, a bunch of receivers, and no quality linemen? Someone in the
front office is smoking bad peyote marinated in coyote piss and needs to
promptly pull their head out of there ass before they make another decision. And when they do get put back on decision making status, start them out slow,
like what color socks they should wear or whether or not they should run with
scissors. That, my friends, brings us to the number one problem. I’ve seen bad teams
before, and been on a few myself, and I’ve never said this before. The team
has star power, but has failed in the most spectacular way. The team has no
discipline, I know because they have had more penalties and blown assignments
this year than I can ever remember. We have abandoned the running game. We
draft wrong. I’ve said the word ‘disgusting’ so many times I can’t take it
anymore, and I know what Jimmy Johnson and Bill Parcells would say about all
this. Wade Phillips, you’re fired. Written by a Fan of the Cowboys
